I’ve been hearing some pretty interesting things about our Glorious Leader, Percy Mahendra Mahinda Rajapaksa.
1) Percy has cancer. Unfortunately, cancer does not vote SLFP, and therefore he’s having a hard time controlling it.
2) Percy has diabetes.
3) Either way, he flies to the US once a week for meds. Ironic, isn’t it?
4) Percy went to Nepal last month and checked into a hotel with a 120 other people, making him the only President ever to demand such a huge personal retinue. It’s almost as if he’s a medieval king of some sort…oh, wait.
5) Percy’s personal astrologer is the real power behind the throne -cue game of thrones music-. Following his advice, he’s even planning to worship at Tirumala Venkateswara temple in India, on this Wednesday.
6) The KDU is the regime’s personal loyalist training camp.
7) “There are many kinds of files.”
8) Percy took a while to grasp the concept of a selfie, but when he did, he combined the fundamental narcissism of the average Instagrammer with state funds and election campaigns.
And lastly, 9) Percy is immortal. The careful application of dye and Photoshop keep his features ageless and free of blemishes, dark circles and all the other defects that Fair and Lovely seeks to purge.