Ah, the US Election. The one event in recent history where the entire world looks at the most powerful nation on the Earth and goes “what the fuck are they smoking?”
Putting the ‘old’ in ‘old guard’
On the surface, Hillary Clinton looks sane. Clean energy, pro-abortion? Yeah. Until, that is, you look at the rest of her promises. “The most important thing …is to keep Americans safe. That means standing up to aggressors around the world and defeating global terrorism.” And “I would hope that, given the extraordinary capabilities the tech community has…there could be a Manhattan-like project..”
Yeah. Basically, female George Bush. Let’s up the pay and fight Mohammed while those Silicon Valley guys come up with the antimatter bomb or whatever. She publicly supports training Syrian rebels to fight ISIS and wants to maintain troops in Afghanistan, so you know exactly what you’re getting: female George Bush, bankrolled by the 1%, delivering abortions and freedom at the end of someone else’s machine gun.
What does this mean for us? More war. Increasing Islamic radicalization as America struggles to tap into the Middle East’s oil supplies in the name of freedom and democracy. More Syria, more Iraq, more Afghanistan. More America.
The most racist shampoo advertisement in history
Nothing, nothing even approaches this guy. He should be first on this list, but I’ve put him in the middle because nobody else is paying attention to anyone else. It is impossible to have even a passing conversation about the US Election without also touching on Donald Trump, Donald Trump’s bullshit, Donald Trump’s hair, and the fact that he would bang his own daughter.
Donald Trump is the most publicly racist Western leader since Hitler. He lies. He swears. He preens. This is a man whose number two election promise is “we need to look at it” (number one is “I am rich”). He wants to deport the immigrants from America, a country built of immigrants. He’s the man who set up And if he got more racist we’d actually vote to send him to Saudi Arabia. In fact, the only good thing to come out of Donald Trump is this John Oliver episode.
America’s reaction is priceless: “He’s not afraid.” “He tells it like it is!” “If he ran this country like he ran his company, we’d be great again.”
What does this mean for us? Donald Trump is America’s IQ test displayed to the entire world, and right now it looks like the world’s most powerful nation is collectively about as intelligent as roadkill. Donald Trump may make America great again, but only if by that you mean the greatest joke in the world.
But on a less humorous setting, Donald Trump is an incredible wildcard. We have no idea what will happen under a Trump administration, and that thought is terrifying. Washington may do the real work while President Trump runs around dropping mics – but on the other hand, Trump genuinely might throw the US into a war with China simply over the inevitable pissing contest. This makes us wish someone would take away America’s toys – especially its military – until you figure out what exactly they intend to do with it.
The Democrat nobody listens to
After decades of war, inequality, drugs, gangs, police shootings, school shootings, a collapsing middle class and some of the highest violence stats on the planet and incredible student debt, there comes a man who sounds like he at least knows how to fix some of them – and the majority of America ignores him.
Everyone seems to want to vote for Bernie. He’s moving away from fondling Wall Street’s balls and back into actual, Democrat-style loving for the citizens. And while I’m not a fan of his handholding style of government, heck, as a Sri Lankan, I can’t complain: we have governments that give us free education and healthcare. Bernie Sanders makes America sound like a country that might one day have these most basic of amenities.
But will America vote for him? Why would they? If there’s one thing America has shown the rest of the world, it’s that in moments of crisis you can trust them to act like 300 million rednecks.
What does Bernie mean for us?
America might finally stop being the world’s biggest legal terror organization and back to being a nation – one that doesn’t spread corruption under the guise of “democracy” or cause thousands of deaths every year just because they can. It also means that we will, collectively, be spared headlines like “Donald Trump defends the size of his penis.”
But of course, this is America.